Friday, June 24, 2011

Take Your Conservative Values...With You

You can mount your fat and loud Harley while I slide on my sleekly whining rice burner
Go climb up in your 300 horsepower crossover while I slip into my hi-tech hybrid
Blare some Fox Republican Radio as I privately tune into NPR
Have yourself a double cheese burger and I’ll hit the Health Foods salad bar

Get into the institutional weekend football game as we watch MMA on weeknights
Fire up your brand new ATV and wail past our slow hiking into the wilderness
Turn up the satellite country music as we listen to new downloads in our earbuds
Suck down that read meat and potatoes while we prepare some spicy Thai food

Go chase some elk on your smoking snowmobiles as we listen for the cold silence
Pay lots to make your pickup a lot louder and roar on past me as I commute on my bicycle
Put your everlasting faith in the bible and I’ll support evolution until the evidence changes
Stand up against the environmental wackos while we quietly evolve our new lifestyle

Keep supporting unaffordable free-market medicine as we ask for universal healthcare
Just keep focusing only on the democrats as new, different parties emerge at last
Reiterate the importance of abortion and I’ll keep talking about climate change
Talk about the sanctity of marriage as I try and require an exam to have children

Knee-jerkingly approve defense increases as we join hands in search of peace
Adopt the arrogantly-smirking Texas lifestyle as we look to folks in Europe for consolation
Laugh about your extra pounds while joking sarcastically about us, as we are walking by
Put your money in clothes, cars and vacations and we’ll retire 15 years before you

Take your processed red meats and pass the un-drugged, free-range chicken, please
Dwell in the faux luxury of your McMansions as we downsize in comfort far away
Get hypnotized by corporate soundbites while we deep dive the details on the internet
Roar across the waters drunk and shouting hoarsely as we quietly paddle and just observe

Listen as your media leaders pigeonhole us and ignore our independent consensus
Worship your rigged free markets and leave us to fair trade sustainability
Point to your golf course ponds and fight our suit to halt your wetland progress
Have some super-sweetened cereal and take your laxative instead of eating real fiber, stupid

Kill a tree for Christmas and get our re-gifted items in your own recycled wrapping paper
Adjust your thermostats for comfort in the fight against our foolish global warming hoax
Have illegales manicure your artificial lawns and laugh at our pitiable xeriscape
Leave all your electronics on all the time as we compete to use the fewest watts

Make your living fast-talk-pimping real estate while leaving the engineering to us
Destroy their future to get rich quick as we scramble to sustain ourselves in your dirty wake
Send your many discards to the landfills where we foresee your children subsisting
Take your sad and comical, old-timey heaven and leave us the certainty of the eternal void

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