Take Your Conservative Values...With You

You can mount your fat and loud Harley while I slide on my sleekly whining rice burner

Go climb up in your 300 horsepower crossover while I slip into my hi-tech hybrid

Blare some Fox Republican Radio as I privately tune into NPR

Have yourself a double cheese burger and I’ll hit the Health Foods salad bar

Get into the institutional weekend football game as we watch MMA on weeknights

Fire up your brand new ATV and wail past our slow hiking into the wilderness

Turn up the satellite country music as we listen to new downloads in our earbuds

Suck down that read meat and potatoes while we prepare some spicy Thai food

Go chase some elk on your smoking snowmobiles as we listen for the cold silence

Pay lots to make your pickup a lot louder and roar on past me as I commute on my bicycle

Put your everlasting faith in the bible and I’ll support evolution until the evidence changes

Stand up against the environmental wackos while we quietly evolve our new lifestyle

Keep supporting unaffordable free-market medicine as we ask for universal healthcare

Just keep focusing only on the democrats as new, different parties emerge at last

Reiterate the importance of abortion and I’ll keep talking about climate change

Talk about the sanctity of marriage as I try and require an exam to have children

Knee-jerkingly approve defense increases as we join hands in search of peace

Adopt the arrogantly-smirking Texas lifestyle as we look to folks in Europe for consolation

Laugh about your extra pounds while joking sarcastically about us, as we are walking by

Put your money in clothes, cars and vacations and we’ll retire 15 years before you

Take your processed red meats and pass the un-drugged, free-range chicken, please

Dwell in the faux luxury of your McMansions as we downsize in comfort far away

Get hypnotized by corporate soundbites while we deep dive the details on the internet

Roar across the waters drunk and shouting hoarsely as we quietly paddle and just observe

Listen as your media leaders pigeonhole us and ignore our independent consensus

Worship your rigged free markets and leave us to fair trade sustainability

Point to your golf course ponds and fight our suit to halt your wetland progress

Have some super-sweetened cereal and take your laxative instead of eating real fiber, stupid

Kill a tree for Christmas and get our re-gifted items in your own recycled wrapping paper

Adjust your thermostats for comfort in the fight against our foolish global warming hoax

Have illegales manicure your artificial lawns and laugh at our pitiable xeriscape

Leave all your electronics on all the time as we compete to use the fewest watts

Make your living fast-talk-pimping real estate while leaving the engineering to us

Destroy their future to get rich quick as we scramble to sustain ourselves in your dirty wake

Send your many discards to the landfills where we foresee your children subsisting

Take your sad and comical, old-timey heaven and leave us the certainty of the eternal void

Leading The Undeveloping World

Lighting this new and self-inflicted Dark Age with our blindingly intolerant religions

Scoffing at any scientists whose work contradicts our faith - Or that of our donors

Denying millions to what we trumpet as the world’s finest health care system

Increasing illiteracy rates with every graduating class of our overweight and spoiled children

Devolving freedom of the press into cheerfully-empty, commercially-safe soundbites

Encouraging the ignorant poor to breed freely as the educated opt out of parenthood

Arming ourselves with god’s blessing for any neo-crusade our leaders see fit to pursue

Letting our infrastructure crumble around us but automatically raising cost-plus military spending

Rejecting investment in actual business for artificial speculation in phony financial innovations

Refusing to set any example on emissions and energy use for developing countries

Encouraging our own Balkanization through expensive multi-lingual governance

Rewarding phony, closeted leaders for exporting research, engineering, production and support

Building up vast stores of usable materials in our dumps for future hand-gathering by our descendants

Leading the world in time spent at war, anorexia, tv-watching, debt and obesity

Being the most aware of the importance of reality shows and entertainment news

Far ahead at portraying environmental issues as wacko threats to family and economy

Twisting the pursuit of happiness into a god-given right to shortsighted, selfish greed

Granting ever more control to the rich while patronizingly-fleecing the shrinking middle class

Measuring the success of political candidates through their fundraising results

Exporting our pollution to third world industry then scolding them on human rights

Being governed by multi-generational, aristocratically-inbred, star-power families

Rigging voting districts upon our election to ensure a continuing stream of victories

Requiring illegal workers since we made the jobs, conditions and pay so very poor we wont do them

Institutionalizing a paralyzed two-party system as if it were mandated by our sacred constitution

Profiting handsomely by encouraging polarization through destructive and divisive opinionating

Encouraging a faux economic growth through the promotion of negative savings rates

Performing phony political litmus tests like gun control, abortion, flag burning and gay marriage

Increasing our infant mortality and bringing back vitamin deficiency, TB and malnutrition

Smugly relying on disappearing non-renewables for all our inefficient daily activities

Cynically rejecting sustainability as an expensive hoax spun by elitist liberal conspirators

Keeping the military in check by granting it a hefty budget increase every single year

Speaking with a country twang to mask your elitist background and ownership by the corporations

Stalling progress by staying on expensively-crafted but childishly-simple message in virtuoso fashion

Scoffing with a god-granted exceptionist superiority at global opinion, morality and lifestyle

So-called 3^rd world Costa Rica has a higher literacy rate than the undeveloping United States

My Spoon-Fed Denials

I let them deny others the health care that might have threatened their fat bonuses

I integrated that unmerciful Social Darwinism right into my canned Traditional Family Values®

I merrily defaulted on my overdrawn home loan right alongside all the other negative savers

I blotted out their suffering in a haze of preoccupation with my artificial stress and worry

I realized that gutted landscapes and dirty air were but a small price to pay for our progress

I said I did not mean to smash the doors of their teeny cars climbing down from my truck

I saw that we could not retain all our wondrous choices without market-based medicine

I ignored so-called scientific experts at the well-rehearsed urging of politicos in corporate ads

I adopted respected business leaders lack of interest in the mistreatment of illegales

I went right along in denial of any fiscal holocaust brought on by chronic overspending

I knew that health statistics were twisted by those seeking to socialize our healthcare

I saw there was simply too much uncertainty to risk taking any expensive climate action

I spurned the defeatists unspoken contention that we should fight them here not there

I never even considered the gaming and credit industries as foolish wasteful scams

I let them put off our infrastructure needs as I made my own minimum monthly payments

I learned not to be so affronted by their disgusting political presence in leadership positions

I denied my guilt and looked forward, without any comment, to clearing my good name

I laughed scornfully when they said we were all robbers ransacking other’s futures

I did not notice the lack of prevention for diseases insurers strove not to pay to treat

I realized that Europeans denied our god-granted exceptionist role at their own risk

I let them subsidize their corporate owners ethanol boondoggles to try and crush solar power

I lived in denial thinking that people, the government and my wife could all change

I chose to ignore that we could no longer swim in or eat the fish from our lakes

I did not check their sources and later backed them in compounding their mistakes

I missed the poverty increasing, the middle class disappearing and the rich getting richer

I evinced not the slightest hesitation in continuing to spiral our defense spending

I let outsiders bulldoze the farms, meadows, forests and wetlands for quick, one-time profits

I lay sweating in fear that the socialists would not allow me to choose my own doctor

I learned to overlook the ignorant, noisy and wasteful wreckreation that they so enjoyed

I never even mentioned our own overpopulation being the root of most of our problems

I calmly accepted that we must always spend more to prepare for our certain next war

I never believed things would just collapse due to our refusal to fund national infrastructure

I scoffed with everyone else at the foolish antics of the environmental wackos

I accepted without real thought that it might require a lawyer to get to see a doctor

I calmly awaited the new and better jobs they had promised me as I was being outsourced

I denied other’s true convictions and proclaimed ours alone as the only real true Word of God

They're Winning

Their billion points of too-bright and greedy light outshines some tired socialistic duty

It’s certainly no contest between living for today and preserving some hazy future

Encouraging vapid consumption politically trumps calling for savings and patience

Trumpeting military preparedness drowns their puny and weak squeaks for peace

ATVs lead the accessibility charge into the heart of our under-performing public lands

Fast food has saved us so much time that the raw oatmealers can’t ever even catch up

By the time this blind little fish suit is settled, all the rivers will be dried up and dead

Clear-cutting those last tiny remaining stands of old-growth is pretty much assured

Our kids are kneeling down in school and not hearing that they’re kin to monkeys

We can squeeze unlimited war funds from squishy liberals with no strings attached

Stalling for more research is a good strategy to maintain the cozy status quo on all eco-issues

Selling the yokels on local control lets us buy them out and get on making money fast

Family values and Jesus’ word make simpler sense than sustainability and preservation

Just increasing national debt is easier to rationalize than socialistic tax and spending

The fast profit in building cheaply has triumphed over making things which last

Education is for geeky loosers, not kids chosen by their mom’s god to lead the world

They’ve convinced us by making those jobs only fit for hopelessly desperate foreigners

We celebrate our independence with loud explosions and hot dogs, not tofu and tea

There’s just no more discussion that holiday’s are only to promote consumer spending

Rest assured that we know all about those liberty-threatening climate change wackos

Without any medical studies we found out ourselves that Crank is the only diet that really works

Political pitchmen have demonstrated that the profit motive will yield universal healthcare

The environment that supports it all is performing badly against people, jobs and money

They’re battling climate change by adjusting home thermostats to suit their t-shirt comfort

We’re making our skies cleaner by moving our factories to hungry lands overseas

Obese black men in NFL tights keep us from books as we graze supine before financed HDTVs

Literalist biblical interpretations are winning the debates against scientific results

They’ve succeeded in convincing us of the important differences among colas and beers

They’ve assured us we need not argue anymore over past lies they told the world

Their self-satisfied and smug smirks have shown that conservation is for quivering vegan rabbits

The coal industry has taken the marketing lead to a clean, independent energy future

Big oil has secured its tax shelters and successfully blocked subsidies for renewables

We’re successfully displacing native plants and animals in every single part of the globe

Threats of costs in jobs and money score major victories over living rivers and clean lakes

The global rich are capturing an increasing majority into a hopeless slavery from birth

They’re winning big since they represent the zenith of our treasured moral superiority