Take Your Conservative Values...With You

You can mount your fat and loud Harley while I slide on my sleekly whining rice burner

Go climb up in your 300 horsepower crossover while I slip into my hi-tech hybrid

Blare some Fox Republican Radio as I privately tune into NPR

Have yourself a double cheese burger and I’ll hit the Health Foods salad bar

Get into the institutional weekend football game as we watch MMA on weeknights

Fire up your brand new ATV and wail past our slow hiking into the wilderness

Turn up the satellite country music as we listen to new downloads in our earbuds

Suck down that read meat and potatoes while we prepare some spicy Thai food

Go chase some elk on your smoking snowmobiles as we listen for the cold silence

Pay lots to make your pickup a lot louder and roar on past me as I commute on my bicycle

Put your everlasting faith in the bible and I’ll support evolution until the evidence changes

Stand up against the environmental wackos while we quietly evolve our new lifestyle

Keep supporting unaffordable free-market medicine as we ask for universal healthcare

Just keep focusing only on the democrats as new, different parties emerge at last

Reiterate the importance of abortion and I’ll keep talking about climate change

Talk about the sanctity of marriage as I try and require an exam to have children

Knee-jerkingly approve defense increases as we join hands in search of peace

Adopt the arrogantly-smirking Texas lifestyle as we look to folks in Europe for consolation

Laugh about your extra pounds while joking sarcastically about us, as we are walking by

Put your money in clothes, cars and vacations and we’ll retire 15 years before you

Take your processed red meats and pass the un-drugged, free-range chicken, please

Dwell in the faux luxury of your McMansions as we downsize in comfort far away

Get hypnotized by corporate soundbites while we deep dive the details on the internet

Roar across the waters drunk and shouting hoarsely as we quietly paddle and just observe

Listen as your media leaders pigeonhole us and ignore our independent consensus

Worship your rigged free markets and leave us to fair trade sustainability

Point to your golf course ponds and fight our suit to halt your wetland progress

Have some super-sweetened cereal and take your laxative instead of eating real fiber, stupid

Kill a tree for Christmas and get our re-gifted items in your own recycled wrapping paper

Adjust your thermostats for comfort in the fight against our foolish global warming hoax

Have illegales manicure your artificial lawns and laugh at our pitiable xeriscape

Leave all your electronics on all the time as we compete to use the fewest watts

Make your living fast-talk-pimping real estate while leaving the engineering to us

Destroy their future to get rich quick as we scramble to sustain ourselves in your dirty wake

Send your many discards to the landfills where we foresee your children subsisting

Take your sad and comical, old-timey heaven and leave us the certainty of the eternal void

Lets Fight Them Terrists Here

I say “bring ‘em on’ over here so we can strip ‘em , whip ‘em and hang ‘em

We know what they look like and, buddy, it sure ain’t nethin like us

We’ll light ‘em up when they’re stooping down on top of them little towels

Why bother shipping all that stuff over there, just give us them weapons and ammunition

We can cut em down in the Wal*Mart parking lot and drag em over behind the church

I say let’s burn their fekin mosques when they go inside seekin’ santuary

We ain’t scared to fight ‘em here,, and besides we got no damn business over there

You don’t even have to pay us as long as there’s guns, refreshments and medics available

We’ll search them out like rats - with dogs and burn ‘em in bonfires for everyone to see

They can put it on TV and make a lot of money on ads and slick promotional shit

Hell, spend that money here and we can be happy killin and prosperin economically

Just let some fucking jihadis darken my door and then they’ll see what happens in a gotdam hurry

Hopefully, they try to tell us to grow beards and kiss on some little carpet 5 times a day

just let them tell my wife once to cover up her damn face and they’ll find theyselfs in little pens

Don’t forget that Jesus is with us here and covers our butts as we stomp on their faces

If we fight them here we don’t waste our money there in that stinkin, fly-ridden dessert

Won’t none of their heathen innocent citizens get hurt if we cap the bad ones right here

We’ll pose for pictures atop heaps of their corpses stacked in the backs of our pickup trucks

Local TV can show drawings of suspects and we’ll cruise in our trucks and pick ‘em off

We can video their torture and post it on the internet as an invite for ther friends

Lets fight them here so we don’t have to go way over there and get all like bogged down & shit

Lets everybody start on their own street alookin for sign of they evil, antichrist horseshit

We’ll blow ‘em up together publicly with their own suicide cell phones and car bombs

The army can pay us as civilian contractors and private security forces right here at home

We can RFID all honest citizens and have open season on anyone who don’t scan

Which fekin chickenshit was it anyway said we’re afraid to have to fight ‘em here?

We’ll publicize their mass shallow graves and arrest them when they come down to mourn

Let’s put a bounty on their robed caliphate asses just like we did with them other varmints

Let’s fight them here so I can teach my boys how to get her done real young

It’d be a great economic stimulus cause we’d need lots of services and supplies

I say don’t let’s just Bring Em On, I’m sayin Bring Em On Over Here, with tattooed foreheads

We can start by setting them fuckheads down in Gitmo loose somewhere in Arkansas

Ain’t gonna be no liberal protests when we save their homes from bath-robed martyrs

Instead of gettin unemployment, the outsourced can join up with the local militia

We’ll fight our way out of this here recession locally, battling godless foreign heathen

Yep, we can restore our world image by bravely resistin invading terrarist killers, right here at home

Allahu Akbar

God is the greatest <whichever one you choose>

God is Great, or so we shout, leaping righteously at each other’s unbelieving throats

And why not, for has He not revealed only to us, His chosen people, His living word

He grants us access to an inner strength that our fearful minds are otherwise denied

He relieves us of the monstrous uncertainty that envelops us in this frightening universe

Of course! We must raise arms to defend His loving message against the teeming infidels

Quite naturally our God is male and no foolish mother nature or some sexless spirit

We can go forth sealed in the ironclad certitude arising out of our mindless prayers

Allahu Akbar and He seriously does say to cover women’s faces and to grow out your beards

Faith and prayer will be answered, if not in this world, then, in the paradise to come

God remains great even if others twist and pervert His word to their selfish and greedy ends

Yes, He commends you to martyr your hopeless life while spokesmen make His videos

Obviously, He is taking an active interest in your stand on the sanctity of marriage

All our seemingly pointless hate and death and war really are His Divine Will being done

We greet each other, my unsmiling brothers, with the phony shibboleth of an Allahu Akbar

He grants us dispensation to quote Him freely out of context as meets our selfish needs

Our Lord Shiva adorns our missiles and His fellows sanctify our sick but cozy caste system

Private internal dialogs with our Personal Saviors yield irrevocable and guilt-free decisions

He gave us the Inquisition, the Taleban, Al-Qaeda and the New World Holocaust

Acting in His name they pimp various paradises which require only a simple but total faith

Twisting the fiction of His word, they channel our trusting belief towards their need to power

Yes, God is still great and the truth He revealed is absolutely no invention of man

We can stone disobedient women and burn the heretical at the stake in His name

Given their active imaginations, there is nothing in their commands that our faith cannot justify

Yes, we know evil when it raises its head and we recognize that the Great Satan is among us

He watches over us all tallying our sins and working in mysterious ways to test our faith

He knows all beforehand, sees everything, yet still awaits our decision to accept Him

And if you pray for a dogmatic guidance long enough, He’ll probably speak with you, as well

What a burden of anxiety lifted and awful guilt over our actions re-forged into pride

You can safely let go your fate into His hands reciting Allahu Akbar until you pass away

But, you must listen when others tell of His commands that the enemy be destroyed

For this is a non-negotiable package deal from which you must accept all or burn in Hell

Oh yes, and don’t forget that you’ll also receive a personal relationship with your Savior

So if you play by their rules you can live happily and get to dwell in Heaven forever

Right, and they’ll throw in assorted ancient dusty prophets, mysteries and miracles

You can lose your fear of death and accept all their horrors as simply part of God’s will

God is great and He can ease your fears if you just blindly grant Him, and us, your fictional soul

We’re Not Like That Anymore, Right?

I got this angry need to waste, destroy and kill that flares up in a frickin heartbeat

I have an innate predilection for loud noises, smoke, shouting and doing injury

I want red meat with every meal, alcohol every night and lots of sudden violence

I’ve got a right to any woman that I might catch out somewheres alone on a road

I work well within the sound of screaming, struggling real close to naked flames

It’s a relief to stop my thinking and just follow the gritty violence in my gut

Kill their kids and rape their women and leave them alive with our bastard seed

Raise our voices in hoarse gap-toothed shouts and wave our fists in triumph

I’ll go off and die young and maybe leave some snarling orphans to take my place

Kill and blacken the meat that sustains us and leave the plants to the girls

Defile the gods of our enemy with our excrement and laugh harshly as we march away

Adapt the stallions that the women tamed to help us to make a more awful war

Leave deep thinking to the geeks but laugh and bellow and drink way too much

Slap your kid around until he accepts the wide mean streak that’s already there

Pretend faith and allegiance to gods and politicians you don’t try to understand

Obey as long as they trump up enemies and provide food and drink and weapons

I don’t go off searching for my soul but I sure like to suit up to go out to fight

I find my life’s deepest meaning staring at the mutilated body of another brother

There’s got to be more to life than talking and reading for those such as me

I’m not saving up or putting down roots cause tomorrow we go off to kill and die again

Give me meat and beer and tobacco and whores to rape and kick around

Let me burn their houses and whip them raw from the backs of giant horses

Beat me down with harsh discipline or I will bite savagely the hand that nears me

Give me a simple faith and just confidently assure me that we do not die in vain

I happily burn fields and butcher animals and leave families shivering and dirty in the rain

We don’t ask much, just arms and your blessing, when you turn us loose again

I am quick to anger, hold a grudge and fight with my own in times of peace

Give us meat to kill so we can throw its bones to savage dogs beside a roaring fire

I did not need to learn to read to march in step or to use my beloved weapons

The best is when it comes to fists and grappling, knives and knees and elbows

I seek no salvation or revelation but total immersion in no-holds barred deadly violence

I will waste away quickly should I become too old to march with my companions

I need to fuck up something or somebody just to quell this eternal inner need

I will work for any scheming prince, greedy priest or profiteering politician

Equip us, bless us and set us upon some enemy or we will surely come for you

“He” Does Not Work In Mysterious Ways

"He" cannot command us to place no other god before Him and to smite those who do

It is not god who stirs our passions and pits us to the death against each other, in "His" name

There is no god under whom t"His" one nation remains indivisible, despite our pledges

God did not say to be fruitful and overrun t"His" earth like some terrible plague

"His" word does not bid us to war upon those adopting a different creation myth fantasy

"He" cannot condemn to endless suffering those who live well, but in ignorance of "His" word

"He" does not command us to destroy the environment merely out of simple greed

God did not say we should spend endless hours publicly politicizing abortion

"He" does not smile down upon the fruition of "His" plan for tax-deductible church ski vacations

No living god speaks to us through the moldy prophets of any bible or koran

Our so-called savior does not demand of us an ever-increasing defense budget

"He" will not come and counsel us personally in times of difficult political decision-making

"He" cannot guide us through the emptiness that will once more envelop all of us

"He" does not wait to tally our sins before the baroque gates of some fuzzy heaven

There is not a God who could even falsely promise salvation for only those who believe in “Him”

"He" has not notified any chosen people of their selection, either now or in our past

God does not throw "His" support behind any conservative evangelical movement

"He" does not bless us with the slave labor of the poor in far off heathen lands

"He" did not watch omnipotently with clucking tongue as we fell into original sin

"He" did not offer up what we called a son from some illiterate virgin to save us

The word is not even a human interpretation of some actual divine revelation

"He" does not work in mysterious ways, for "He" is not there to do any work at all

Your pompous costumes and righteous edicts do not spring from "His" commands

Demanding that God Bless America at the end of all your canned speeches says it all

We are created not in "His" image but surely from ashes to ashes, and dust to dust

Your scowling, brooding, vengeful, mullahs are only filled with poisonous myths

God never said that women should stay covered, barefoot, ignorant and pregnant

Preserving purportedly holy sites does not alter the utter baselessness of our beliefs

God did not say to take dominion over all the so-called lesser creatures of "His" earth

"He" did not implant only in us a soul that we might alone among all creation worship Him

"He" does not listen to the selfish prayers we squeak from our corporate religion warrens

"He" do not stand on our side in these foolish struggles with which we fill our short lives

There is no heavenly balance sheet holding your so-called sins and virtuous acts

They have no right to grant you a tax-deductible eternal salvation plan in "His" name

God did not say to franchise "His" word by milking the poor to build useless temples

It is not true that we are unable to toss out these dusty beliefs and re-invent them once again