Take Your Conservative Values...With You

You can mount your fat and loud Harley while I slide on my sleekly whining rice burner

Go climb up in your 300 horsepower crossover while I slip into my hi-tech hybrid

Blare some Fox Republican Radio as I privately tune into NPR

Have yourself a double cheese burger and I’ll hit the Health Foods salad bar

Get into the institutional weekend football game as we watch MMA on weeknights

Fire up your brand new ATV and wail past our slow hiking into the wilderness

Turn up the satellite country music as we listen to new downloads in our earbuds

Suck down that read meat and potatoes while we prepare some spicy Thai food

Go chase some elk on your smoking snowmobiles as we listen for the cold silence

Pay lots to make your pickup a lot louder and roar on past me as I commute on my bicycle

Put your everlasting faith in the bible and I’ll support evolution until the evidence changes

Stand up against the environmental wackos while we quietly evolve our new lifestyle

Keep supporting unaffordable free-market medicine as we ask for universal healthcare

Just keep focusing only on the democrats as new, different parties emerge at last

Reiterate the importance of abortion and I’ll keep talking about climate change

Talk about the sanctity of marriage as I try and require an exam to have children

Knee-jerkingly approve defense increases as we join hands in search of peace

Adopt the arrogantly-smirking Texas lifestyle as we look to folks in Europe for consolation

Laugh about your extra pounds while joking sarcastically about us, as we are walking by

Put your money in clothes, cars and vacations and we’ll retire 15 years before you

Take your processed red meats and pass the un-drugged, free-range chicken, please

Dwell in the faux luxury of your McMansions as we downsize in comfort far away

Get hypnotized by corporate soundbites while we deep dive the details on the internet

Roar across the waters drunk and shouting hoarsely as we quietly paddle and just observe

Listen as your media leaders pigeonhole us and ignore our independent consensus

Worship your rigged free markets and leave us to fair trade sustainability

Point to your golf course ponds and fight our suit to halt your wetland progress

Have some super-sweetened cereal and take your laxative instead of eating real fiber, stupid

Kill a tree for Christmas and get our re-gifted items in your own recycled wrapping paper

Adjust your thermostats for comfort in the fight against our foolish global warming hoax

Have illegales manicure your artificial lawns and laugh at our pitiable xeriscape

Leave all your electronics on all the time as we compete to use the fewest watts

Make your living fast-talk-pimping real estate while leaving the engineering to us

Destroy their future to get rich quick as we scramble to sustain ourselves in your dirty wake

Send your many discards to the landfills where we foresee your children subsisting

Take your sad and comical, old-timey heaven and leave us the certainty of the eternal void

Steps Toward Creating A Sustainable Destruction

Gonna get to universal healthcare that the government won’t play any part in

Looking to voluntarily solve climate change without hurting our great economy

We’ll maintain a woman’s choice as well as stop this murder of the innocent unborn

Protecting our right to bear arms while getting assault weapons away from criminals

We’ll preserve your privacy and secretly gather personal data vital to our national security

On our way towards reconciling literalist faith with the latest scientific research

Must remain the world’s only superpower while curbing all this military waste

We can reduce our slavish foreign dependence with the tough love of Big Oil and Clean Coal

We’ll find a way to fill our rotten jobs cheaply without using any illegal immigrants

We can end the global war on islamo-facism and we won’t ever have to cut and run

It’s possible to curb our national obesity and not even dictate to people what to eat

We’ll reconcile our treasured civil rights with the biblical ban upon gay marriage

There is a way to retain our beloved land yachts and still get cleaner, higher MPGs

We’re betting corporate agribusiness can self-regulate but still offer up safe, clean food

Surely they can save their rain forests as we recast golf course water hazards as healthy wetlands

Greedy corporate monomaniacs really are morphing into the wise stewards of our society

We’ll have them save more but continue to spend their retirement taxes immediately

Gonna protect tiny blind fish nobody catches as we keep our desert lawns real green

Giving grizzlies and wolves a place while protecting noble ranchers on federal lands

Won’t be pressured by the poll numbers but we must be attentive to the people’s will

Cannot permit their extremist agenda but we must break this legislative gridlock

We’ll continue to enjoy the fruits of cheap asian labor but end their immoral suffering

Our economic ills must be solved without any sacrifices by hardworking consumers

It’s possible to redraw districts in our favor while being sure that every vote still counts

We shouldn’t have to sacrifice any comforts to achieve a proud energy independence

A few tax incentive packages would likely engage the market to curb CO2 emissions

We’ll strike a political compromise to save both hydro power and a couple wild salmon

We will depend on gaming industry taxes as we promote personal fiscal responsibility

We can reach out to the rest of the world in the exceptionist manner our god intended

We must curb our vast wastes but without mandating lame recycling or cost to our convenience

Let us encourage sensible and thrifty habits without threatening consumer spending

We can feed them sugar, not make them brush then have them go find affordable dental care

We’ll force foreign markets open but grant subsidies and raise tariffs here at home

Have to stimulate the all-important economy even as we get this deficit under control

Corporate politicians shall wisely market their donor agenda while pursuing our common good

We’ll place almighty God atop our government even as we condemn islamic religious fanaticism

Tax Trash And Legalize Rocket Launchers

Take the automatic weapons away from those dirty swarming criminal scum

Yet give our private militia the same rocket launchers as our beloved army

Sure they should get the same social benefits just like any married citizens

But don’t publicize fat gays parading on floats wearing only stringy grape smugglers

Take care of the at-risk children from any mothers of any race, all the same

But require a tough examination and a license of both parents for every child

End this foolish, expensive environmentally dangerous ethanol nonsense for good

Subsidize grid-shared solar and wind generators on every rooftop, throughout the land

Constitutionally require a permanently-balanced government budget

Reduce military spending by 3/4ths over ten years starting last year

Open our doors to all who embrace our ideals of freedom and democracy

Stop automatically making the children of illegal immigrants citizens by birthright

Of course we must conduct more research on the potential effects of climate change, BUT...

We should become an example of reduced CO2 emissions to an entire consumer world

Triage medical treatment for the old, terminally-ill and hopelessly brain-damaged

Simply provide universal health care as another constitutional guarantee

Close down the bullshit gaming industry and replace it with regulated organic herb

Require a deposit on all packaging and thereby pay the poor to clean our lands of our litter

Issue every resident mandatory, tamper-proof biometric ID cards

Amend the constitution to guarantee a citizen’s right to privacy

Don’t let home equity spending consumers out of their foolish debts

Punish those who invented and sold them this Ponzi mortgage fiasco

End agricultural subsidies at once and forever and tax the use of fossil water

Put our outsourced labor force to work on roads, bridges and clean energy

Tightly control the recreational use of ATVs and snowmobiles on all our federal lands

Re-open public access to all our national forests through private second homes and mining

Conduct all government business only in English and make it a citizenship requirement

Make sure every child studies a second language all the way through primary school

End the un-mandated, suffocatingly-divisive two party control of our political process

Tax their trash and water the more they make and use per person

Quit ignoring the unwanted children being saved from the murder that is abortion

Be strong enough on defense to ask for better than their no review cost plus contracts

Stop being fruitful and multiplying without regard to the earth’s ability to sustain

Give up this foolish notion that earth and its creatures were put here by God for us to plunder

Even learn to look beyond GDP and unemployment figures in measuring our progress

Finally become good and faithful stewards, passing on as much as we were granted