Get A Squishy Grip

How can you try to preserve these stupid trees when loggers really need those temp jobs?

Where’s the sense in expensive conservation when things cost so much already?

Forget the animals, get a tree-hugging grip and start taking care of our dear families

What’s a few degrees warmer and, anyway, what’s a polar bear ever done for me?

Get out of the way Spongy Bob, there’s manlier issues than this candy-assed sustainability

How dare you tell the urban poor they should not slash-burn and then farm their rain forest?

On what moral authority do you decide who can have how many blessed children?

Why should our nice lawns dry up just to preserve some inedible little desert fish?

We’re not giving up our comfort or our safety to drive some teeny-weeny shoeboxes

We’ll stay with the cheaper imports even if they break before they ever work

It’s not our problem if them squints like working 14 hour days and sleepin 20 to a room

No environmental wacko is going to force their lame agenda on our traditional family lifestyle

Why should we pay more for electricity just to give a coupla salmon a chance to breed?

Don’t talk to me about some web of life until all god’s children have enough to eat

We just import their stuff, it’s their own decision to abort their female children

You can’t tax that acid rain with good people already paying too much for their A/C

These draft rules are unfounded speculation that will cost us all jobs and money

There’s not a word in our sacred constitution about this fool habitat preservation

Buck ain’t giving up his SUV until Fakkim stops burning coal to cook his gruel

Look, this climate change hysteria could threaten the economy and our families

Now, I’m not sure about evolution but our God surely did say only the fittest will survive

We vetoed child health care but we must pass this arms spending bill with no strings attached

How dare you to say local control means outside developers get everything they want?

Don’t try to mess with our god-given right to thrilling petroleum-based wreckreation

Of course we must channelize that river to protect surrounding homes and towns

If you don’t like our mining, why you’re just welcome to go off and freeze in the dark

God said to be a good steward so I make sure and have only the best chemicals applied to my lawn

The welfare of our people simply must come before this environmental nonsense

Yes, the convenience of fast food packaging makes it indispensable to our consumer lifestyle

It’s just simple common sense that recycling is for the boy scouts until you get paid to do it

Cleaning up diesel fuel will only make imported consumer goods more expensive to deliver

Removing mercury from power plant emissions will hurt small business owners

Spreading scientific doubt on climate change bought us time against the crackpots

Jesus, research studies have shown small cars to be dangerous, especially to kids

By all means, we must permit mountaintop removal to keep our coal inexpensive

Of course, endless pointless environmental reviews impede our economic progress

So, get your squishy grip off of the freedom loving lifestyle we intend to keep on enjoying, forever

Steps Toward Creating A Sustainable Destruction

Gonna get to universal healthcare that the government won’t play any part in

Looking to voluntarily solve climate change without hurting our great economy

We’ll maintain a woman’s choice as well as stop this murder of the innocent unborn

Protecting our right to bear arms while getting assault weapons away from criminals

We’ll preserve your privacy and secretly gather personal data vital to our national security

On our way towards reconciling literalist faith with the latest scientific research

Must remain the world’s only superpower while curbing all this military waste

We can reduce our slavish foreign dependence with the tough love of Big Oil and Clean Coal

We’ll find a way to fill our rotten jobs cheaply without using any illegal immigrants

We can end the global war on islamo-facism and we won’t ever have to cut and run

It’s possible to curb our national obesity and not even dictate to people what to eat

We’ll reconcile our treasured civil rights with the biblical ban upon gay marriage

There is a way to retain our beloved land yachts and still get cleaner, higher MPGs

We’re betting corporate agribusiness can self-regulate but still offer up safe, clean food

Surely they can save their rain forests as we recast golf course water hazards as healthy wetlands

Greedy corporate monomaniacs really are morphing into the wise stewards of our society

We’ll have them save more but continue to spend their retirement taxes immediately

Gonna protect tiny blind fish nobody catches as we keep our desert lawns real green

Giving grizzlies and wolves a place while protecting noble ranchers on federal lands

Won’t be pressured by the poll numbers but we must be attentive to the people’s will

Cannot permit their extremist agenda but we must break this legislative gridlock

We’ll continue to enjoy the fruits of cheap asian labor but end their immoral suffering

Our economic ills must be solved without any sacrifices by hardworking consumers

It’s possible to redraw districts in our favor while being sure that every vote still counts

We shouldn’t have to sacrifice any comforts to achieve a proud energy independence

A few tax incentive packages would likely engage the market to curb CO2 emissions

We’ll strike a political compromise to save both hydro power and a couple wild salmon

We will depend on gaming industry taxes as we promote personal fiscal responsibility

We can reach out to the rest of the world in the exceptionist manner our god intended

We must curb our vast wastes but without mandating lame recycling or cost to our convenience

Let us encourage sensible and thrifty habits without threatening consumer spending

We can feed them sugar, not make them brush then have them go find affordable dental care

We’ll force foreign markets open but grant subsidies and raise tariffs here at home

Have to stimulate the all-important economy even as we get this deficit under control

Corporate politicians shall wisely market their donor agenda while pursuing our common good

We’ll place almighty God atop our government even as we condemn islamic religious fanaticism

Tax Trash And Legalize Rocket Launchers

Take the automatic weapons away from those dirty swarming criminal scum

Yet give our private militia the same rocket launchers as our beloved army

Sure they should get the same social benefits just like any married citizens

But don’t publicize fat gays parading on floats wearing only stringy grape smugglers

Take care of the at-risk children from any mothers of any race, all the same

But require a tough examination and a license of both parents for every child

End this foolish, expensive environmentally dangerous ethanol nonsense for good

Subsidize grid-shared solar and wind generators on every rooftop, throughout the land

Constitutionally require a permanently-balanced government budget

Reduce military spending by 3/4ths over ten years starting last year

Open our doors to all who embrace our ideals of freedom and democracy

Stop automatically making the children of illegal immigrants citizens by birthright

Of course we must conduct more research on the potential effects of climate change, BUT...

We should become an example of reduced CO2 emissions to an entire consumer world

Triage medical treatment for the old, terminally-ill and hopelessly brain-damaged

Simply provide universal health care as another constitutional guarantee

Close down the bullshit gaming industry and replace it with regulated organic herb

Require a deposit on all packaging and thereby pay the poor to clean our lands of our litter

Issue every resident mandatory, tamper-proof biometric ID cards

Amend the constitution to guarantee a citizen’s right to privacy

Don’t let home equity spending consumers out of their foolish debts

Punish those who invented and sold them this Ponzi mortgage fiasco

End agricultural subsidies at once and forever and tax the use of fossil water

Put our outsourced labor force to work on roads, bridges and clean energy

Tightly control the recreational use of ATVs and snowmobiles on all our federal lands

Re-open public access to all our national forests through private second homes and mining

Conduct all government business only in English and make it a citizenship requirement

Make sure every child studies a second language all the way through primary school

End the un-mandated, suffocatingly-divisive two party control of our political process

Tax their trash and water the more they make and use per person

Quit ignoring the unwanted children being saved from the murder that is abortion

Be strong enough on defense to ask for better than their no review cost plus contracts

Stop being fruitful and multiplying without regard to the earth’s ability to sustain

Give up this foolish notion that earth and its creatures were put here by God for us to plunder

Even learn to look beyond GDP and unemployment figures in measuring our progress

Finally become good and faithful stewards, passing on as much as we were granted

Choices That Help Define Us

Is it that expensive new car and the big-screen hi-def DVD-TV?

Maybe just a warm old wool sweater and a good book when it’s cold

There’s an extra trip to the mall and lots of trash cans for the packaging

Or recycling all that is feasible even if nobody makes you, or pays you to do it

How about that 8 foot high pickup with the custom exhausts

Then there’s that cute little hybrid with all its hitech gizzies

Is it the money we shell out for expensive food, drink and the falsely servile help,

Rather than the work that goes into the creation of a meal on our own

Could be an oversized faux palace tended by a legion of anonymous illegales

Or possibly crawling on your knees to repair something that’s gotten broken

How about racing your son on loud smoky snowmobiles thru a blurred forest

Instead of snowshoeing in silence, searching for peace in that good silence

You could download a hundred songs and strike out with the iPod

Or strum a few chords and scribble out a couple verses of your own

Relax on the couch with beer and calorie-laden snacks for the big game

Alternatively, using the Internet, go into depth on some non-trivial issue

Is it struggling to find ways to keep spending more than you earn

Maybe embracing both hard work as well as building up a bit of savings

Hanging out barefoot in shorts and tees in a monstrous house all during winter

Turning down a more efficient heating system and dressing for the seasons

Saving time at the drive-thru and chowing down fast while still on your way

Eating stuff that didn’t come out of cans, that you cooked up on your own

Is it get-rich-quick schemes involving currencies, commodities and derivatives

Maybe ploddingly saving via conservative investments, year after year

Could it be first class flights to expensive resorts and fancy restaurants

Or going cheaply, traveling widely, eating locally and wearing little jewelry

There’s belief directed by holy books, prophets and literalist, revealed truths

Then there’s simple faith in the human struggle against the inevitable void

Maybe it’s always waiting for something that quickly disappears into the blur

Or is it striving to take pleasure in the task and not just its momentary completion

Having others just do as much for you as quickly as you can sign the bill

Or attaining a bit of technical mastery over your house, its contents and the cars